Mantra
I'm still often paralysed by fear an anxiety. I just wake up some day and feel unable to act.
My guess is it's because I slide into a negative frame. One that attaches a lot of anxiety on any action or decision. Instead of the frame : "I want to do this, this is my desire, it's gonna be great, I'm excited about the idea of taking action and stepping that much closer to what I want", I'm afraid of what will happen, of failure, of success, of having to deal with success and the "burden" of expectations.
For decades, I've been in an anxiety frame. One that put me in a passive state. I used to avoid making decisions as much as possible, and always (unconsciously looked for a dominant male figure in my social groups. Those guys would be the ones making decisions, and I would follow, safe in their shadows).
The problem is that one gets used to a way of living, even if the frame makes you unhappy. I used to compensate my passive life and general lack of purpose and lack of enjoyment of my life by escaping. I developed very strong daydreaming scenarios, in which I would be perfect and all powerful. Also, masturbation was (and still is) a powerful escape mechanism, providing me with instant pleasure.
Jerking off is like a drug at times, I get instant pleasure, and escape from the present. And like a drug, the inevitable return to reality leads to momentary depression, lack of energy and daydreaming.
I used to read a lot as well, especially science-fiction and fantasy types. They are excellent escape mechanisms. A good sign in recent times is that I feel less and less of a desire to read new books. I started growing disinterested with them, something I see as a sign of improvement.
However, I'm still very often plagued by 'bad days', where negative thoughts paralyse me, and make me feel stressed out and anxious about nothing in particular. That's the power of it, that it's so vague a feeling that I often don't realise I'm sliding into it.
I think I need to gain more control of my thought processes. Of the words that course through my brain, and I think I need to do them via repetition.
The author Osho, as well as other sources, have helped me for form a general set of guidelines and life concepts. These are general rule on how I should view life. I wrote them in an older post.
My guess is it's because I slide into a negative frame. One that attaches a lot of anxiety on any action or decision. Instead of the frame : "I want to do this, this is my desire, it's gonna be great, I'm excited about the idea of taking action and stepping that much closer to what I want", I'm afraid of what will happen, of failure, of success, of having to deal with success and the "burden" of expectations.
For decades, I've been in an anxiety frame. One that put me in a passive state. I used to avoid making decisions as much as possible, and always (unconsciously looked for a dominant male figure in my social groups. Those guys would be the ones making decisions, and I would follow, safe in their shadows).
The problem is that one gets used to a way of living, even if the frame makes you unhappy. I used to compensate my passive life and general lack of purpose and lack of enjoyment of my life by escaping. I developed very strong daydreaming scenarios, in which I would be perfect and all powerful. Also, masturbation was (and still is) a powerful escape mechanism, providing me with instant pleasure.
Jerking off is like a drug at times, I get instant pleasure, and escape from the present. And like a drug, the inevitable return to reality leads to momentary depression, lack of energy and daydreaming.
I used to read a lot as well, especially science-fiction and fantasy types. They are excellent escape mechanisms. A good sign in recent times is that I feel less and less of a desire to read new books. I started growing disinterested with them, something I see as a sign of improvement.
However, I'm still very often plagued by 'bad days', where negative thoughts paralyse me, and make me feel stressed out and anxious about nothing in particular. That's the power of it, that it's so vague a feeling that I often don't realise I'm sliding into it.
I think I need to gain more control of my thought processes. Of the words that course through my brain, and I think I need to do them via repetition.
The author Osho, as well as other sources, have helped me for form a general set of guidelines and life concepts. These are general rule on how I should view life. I wrote them in an older post.
posted by Fabz @ 7:22 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home