So where am I in the game?

Man, my last post was pretty depressing.

However, there is a lot of truth in it. I've learned that, as I'm in the process of taking charge of my life (and learning to enjoy it), it is a good thing to acknowledge our fears.

Let me explain: what I do a lot is write down things. Most of the time I write positive affirmations about myself: "I am a confident person, I’m always in control of any social situation, etc..."
These things help a lot, and they allow me to refocus my behavior. For example, when in a confusing situation, I now ask myself: "what do I want? what are my priorities? " Having written down many elements describing me, what I care about and what do I want to become, it becomes simpler to "deconfuse" my behavior.

The other day was a good case in point. This asian girl I've been gaming on and off is part of my social circle. I screwed up with her by not being decisive enough, and when being alone with her I would just forget that I'm gaming her, and slip into normal logical conversations. The result is what I call BLEH: she doesn't know what I want, and feels that I don't either, and we end up in this awkward confused state with one another.

Well, I've learned now to show my intent. I called her the other day, and told her "Let's meet, you and me, one on one". I also did that with another girl. This may sound like nothing special, but to me it is: I’m learning to express my desires in a clear-cut way, no bullshitting.

This is very important in the game: When hitting on a girl, at some point (depending on if you do Direct or Indirect game), you have to show your intent. As I'm an insecure person who is terrified of rejection, I've unconsciously been playing it safe, for example:

-When walking on the street, I have this aloof and closed vibe. I used to think this would make me look cool and impress the girls. My face would have a totally closed expression: lips pressed together, slight frown, looking only ahead, and avoiding eye contact. This shit might have been impressive, but then what? Nobody would want to talk to someone this closed-up. This behavior is of course a protection mecanism, to avoid exposing oneself and risk failure.

-When practicing opening and starting to talk to a girl, in addition to not having a warm, open expression, I would stick to either a serious conversation, or become overly cocky and funny. This last part was a sticking point for me, as I tend to become overly sarcastic as a way to avoid reaching out to the girl, and tell her I’m interested.

-Even if my cocky and funny was working (and can thus be called playful teasing), I would be afraid to phase shift: At some point one must escalate, and start asking qualifying questions, telling stories about himself, doing kino, etc...

So those three points atually have the same root cause: the fear of exposing oneself.

As I've mentioned ad nauseam before, I have inner game issues. For the past decade or so (I'm 25), I've spent my life being passive, playing it safe. I'm so used to shielding myself that it fucks up my game. At the end of the day, picking up a girl is about confidently expressing the following two questions :"Hey, you seem interesting, let's find out", and "Hey I'm interested in you, let's dance". At all times, the man MUST take the lead, and that means taking the first step, and putting himself out there.

Well, the road is harsh. It is also very slow. My greatest sticking point right now is still to actually walk up to a girl and initiate the talk. This is at its hardest when I'm alone. When I'm sarging with someone, it's easier because we push one another. Because I tend to idealize things, I would constantly imagine myself in some "near" future as having no approach fear. This is the sort of passive daydreaming that plagues me still. I've learned now that it all happens in small increments. For example, previously I would spend the entire day talking myself to open sets, and wouldn't open ANYBODY. Now it seems I can do at least a few, before my insecurities of being "pointed at" creep back, and I'd stop.

Think of them as micro baby steps :- )

The maturing process I’m going through is that of bridging the gap between the idealized “me” that I’ve create in my mind, and the present me. I’m learning to be imperfect, and to accept it and go with it. I acknowledge my fears, and try to give myself a break. What I still need to do is truly appreciate the results that I obtain now. I mean, I AM hitting on girls. I AM asking for phones numbers, doing kino, going out with other people, “risking exposure” and being ridiculed, and risking failure.

And I’m getting some (imperfect) results, let’s see:

-Stating to the asian girl that it’s time to stop playing hide-and-seek with one another and meeting mano a mano.
-Following up on a fool’s mate: I was in a coffee place, and this girl smiles at me. I’ve only recently been holding eye contact, and only just started “risking” a smile. I then walked over to her and number closed her. It might not seem like much, but only a few months ago, I would have played it aloof and walked away.
-Getting on with the kino. Definitely in the beginning stage (high-fiving a la PU101, and light touching).
-Number closing a girl in the metro in a few minutes. She was foreign and only had been in town for a few days. After telling her I wanted to see her, she tells me she has a boyfriend. I smile, tell her that it’s cool, that I have two girlfriends, and give her my phone so she can write her email. Not expecting an answer from her though, the gaming wasn’t tight.
-Number closing this girl waiting for someone in front of the mall. Her story is quite interesting, maybe I’ll tell it in another post. However, she’s 18, so I’ll only do something if she calls me first.
-Going direct: lol this one is so fucked up! This GORGEOUS woman working in a small store in the mall. I go in and tell her “I think you’re cute” I was shaking, my tonality and body language were TERRIBLE. Still, I persisted, tried teasing her and failed, tried negging her and failed, trying passing her shit tests and mostly failed. She was nice enough not to tell me to fuck off, she was actually enjoying it (a good-looking guy making a fool of himself seems to be an enjoying sight).
-Note: this is why it sucks to hit on people who work in malls: you will see them again as you sarge in the same venue, and that’s annoying. It shouldn’t be. But it is to me.
-Doing tight game on this girl at a social gathering: It wasn’t a cold approach, and she seemed to already like me because I was very sociable and talked to every one (and oh yeah, I’m good looking too :-) ). Still, I had enough guts to isolate her, and managed to qualify her and connect with her. First time I sucessfully did some SS. I got her to say at the end how she feels like she always knew me. Still, I called her and told her to call me, but she hasn’t yet.

So here it is, my current status in this game. To summarize:
-I’m learning to present an open appearance, I walk around relaxed, lips slightly parted (I think this is CRUCIAL), and try to smile right before opening (as if something amusing was happening to me before I decided to talk to the girl). This relaxes the chicks.
-I’m learning to state what I want, and specify that I’m interested in the girl sexually.
-I’m learning to love myself, and enjoy the present time.

That last point is still far off :- )

Cheers.
F.