On Inner Game issues
Van Wilder has a blog and has posted some interesting points on the difficulty of having positive inner states. It is a nice coincidence, as I have been going through a similar phase. So here is my take on the issue.
Inner Game is the term used by the seduction community to describe your inner state of mind, and how it affects your external behavior with respect to relationships with women.
I have deep inner game issues. This is basically my single biggest problem with regards to PU. Unfortunately, it is also one that is difficult to fix. In Outer Game, the wannabe PUA can easily practice techniques, routines, magic tricks, etc..., and after a few sarges they will become natural. Having a positive inner state, however, is another ball game. All seduction schools agree that radiating self-confidence, high self-esteem, and a strong sense of values are very attractive traits for women. Now, some methods out there say that you CAN 'fake it till you make it'. That is, you are not really a very confident person around women, however you fine-tune your body language, voice tonality and general behavior, so as to appear confident, and get the HBs.
In my case, however, I have low self-esteem in general. The fact that I do not have as much success with women is a by-product of that. I am good-looking, charming and naturally sociable, but the fact that I am insecure is messing everything up.
Now, the theory about building up self-esteem is not complicated, but it is damn hard and long to accomplish (at least it seems so to me at this point). Basically what I have been doing these past months is to go through an extensive introspective phase. I am constantly asking myself questions such as: Who am I? Why am I doing this job? Are those people really my friends? Where do I see myself going? etc...
The questions are endless, and they can be asked on at least 2 different levels. On one hand, I start honestly asking myself what I like to do, what my hobbies are, and then I examine my actual life and try to weed out all the stuff that are not actually 'me'. There is a lot of stuff that I have incorporated into my life because I wanted to please other people, I sought validation and did what was deemed the right thing to do.
The other level is in my day-to-day interactions with people. I am finally learning to say "no", that beautiful and simple word that is an expression of who we are. I used to have a major case of approval-seeking behavior, always trying to please and not 'rock the boat'. Now I am becoming more and more assertive. For example, if my group of friends decides to do something that doesn't tempt me, I realised that I can just say no (though I do still feel guilty about it :-) ). I have the right to do that, and believe it or not, previously I didn't allow myself even that!
It is a good feeling to develop this assertiveness. So many times I notice myself , such as during a group conversation, trying to fit in by not being too frank about what I felt, out of fear of 'hurting' other people's feelings. This is of course nonsense, because people respect those who have opinions and are not afraid to be honest about them.
To quote Dr Phil (I don't really like the guy, but it IS his quote), 'you have to take control of your life'. And that is hard -at least for me!- because, as I have shown above, this neediness and approval-seeking is very insidious. They are infiltrated in all aspects of my life and my interactions, and they have been so for at least 15 years! I can remember vividly my teenage years, and how needy I was, so merely identifying the problem isn't going to cure me. Rather, it is the painstaking constant vigilance that will instill new heatlhy habits in my behavior. Basically I have now a long-term job, that of constantly identifying weak elements in my behavior and eliminating them. Examples are:
-Taking the time to let an external element, such as a proposed activity, or an opinion made by a person, sink in, sensing what my true feelings/opinions toward that element are, and finally giving an authentic response.
-The response could be just saying no. It is okay to say no. People won't be 'hurt' if I say it.
-I could also propose something else, something I WANT to do.
-If it is an opinion that I disagree with, then just freaking saying that I have a different point of vue on the subject IS OKAY.
-Sometimes I am in a group and the energy is high, whereas I would be in a calmer mood. The old me would try desperatly to fit in, to laugh at the jokes and to give the appearance of enjoying himself. The new me responds accordingly to his desires, and no more.
A way to summarize that would be that I am learning to be authentic, to be true to myself. To do that, I must dig deep. My psyche is like a complicated knot, and I need to systematically untie it piece by piece, so that I can have a clear view of myself. Another way of putting it is that in my brain, there is the true me, and there is the fake me. The latter is a fraud, built from external factors such as thru input from family/friends/society. This non-self is the cause of low self-esteem, because it gets its validation from external sources, hence the neediness and desperate desire to please. This is why I used to fuck up in my relationships: I used to turn into this wuss, into this AFC looking for maternal affection, because the fake me would be in control, and this is how it validated itself.
The true path to happiness is established by eliminating the fake self. But weeding it out is only half the work. the real self has to be nurtured as well. I think this takes more time than eliminating the fake self. Indeed, building self-confidence is a long process that starts from before adolescence. I think that in my case, since the fake me has evolved and has repressed the real me, I never took the time to truly thrive, to build myself a healthy and balanced personnality. Instead, I spent all those years trying to be somebody else and to please others. So the only solution (if my analysis is correct) is that I need to restart that authenticity-building process. By doing more and more what I like to do, be it the activities and hobbies, or the type of career, or the hangouts with friends I actually like, by taking an active role in developping those aspects of my life (according to MY desires), self-love and thus self-esteem and happiness should start to creep in.
Very psychological stuff. Like I said, I'm a mess on the inside. But at least now I'm starting to have a plan on how to un-mess myself.
To go back to Van Wilder and the world of pickup, here are two quotes from a post of his:
"I look back at my previous failures with women (e.g. my one-itis) and it does bring me a smile because I realize that what I was seeking with those women was love and acceptance and maternal nurturing qualities"
In my case, and because of my inner issues, every girl I met who I would be remotely interested in would turn into a one-itis. I know now what causes that, but it's still a bitch to fight.
"For me, affection and love with women is so powerful and always brings me joy, but as I remember previous girlfriends now, I am starting to realize that success with women does not equate to happiness."
I have also realised that. Picking up women is a big validation rush. However, it affects us only on the outside, but doesn't nurture us deeply and give us that inner peace and happiness. It's like eating sugar, it feels good, but is not really nourrishing as opposed to eating a complete meal. PUAs who are well-grounded on the inside became good because failure with women didn't affect them much (so early approach anxiety quickly went away). Also, since they are 'solid' on the inside, their confidence shows, and is attractive.
In my case, how do I deal with PU? On one hand, every rejection affects me a lot since I am 'weak' on the inside. On the other hand, even if I plow through the rejections, the actual success with women is only a temporay 'band-aid'. I will feel good for a bit because this external validation has temporarily covered the wounds, however after a little while the band-aid effect goes away, and the wounds start aching as much as before.
This is why some people become addicted to PU. It becomes like a drug, with a temporary feel-good effect that is quickly replaced by a gut-wrenching feeling after withdrawal, which pushes the PUA to sarge even more, and suffer the cycle endlessly.
My solution is not to give the game of seduction too large a chunk of my life. Becoming good with women is but A PART of my reconstructive process. There are many other elements in my life that I need to develop as well. If I am able to put my pickup life in that perspective, and with those limits, and work in parallel on the other aspects of my life, I might be able to avoid the whole manic-depressive cycle.
F.
I have deep inner game issues. This is basically my single biggest problem with regards to PU. Unfortunately, it is also one that is difficult to fix. In Outer Game, the wannabe PUA can easily practice techniques, routines, magic tricks, etc..., and after a few sarges they will become natural. Having a positive inner state, however, is another ball game. All seduction schools agree that radiating self-confidence, high self-esteem, and a strong sense of values are very attractive traits for women. Now, some methods out there say that you CAN 'fake it till you make it'. That is, you are not really a very confident person around women, however you fine-tune your body language, voice tonality and general behavior, so as to appear confident, and get the HBs.
In my case, however, I have low self-esteem in general. The fact that I do not have as much success with women is a by-product of that. I am good-looking, charming and naturally sociable, but the fact that I am insecure is messing everything up.
Now, the theory about building up self-esteem is not complicated, but it is damn hard and long to accomplish (at least it seems so to me at this point). Basically what I have been doing these past months is to go through an extensive introspective phase. I am constantly asking myself questions such as: Who am I? Why am I doing this job? Are those people really my friends? Where do I see myself going? etc...
The questions are endless, and they can be asked on at least 2 different levels. On one hand, I start honestly asking myself what I like to do, what my hobbies are, and then I examine my actual life and try to weed out all the stuff that are not actually 'me'. There is a lot of stuff that I have incorporated into my life because I wanted to please other people, I sought validation and did what was deemed the right thing to do.
The other level is in my day-to-day interactions with people. I am finally learning to say "no", that beautiful and simple word that is an expression of who we are. I used to have a major case of approval-seeking behavior, always trying to please and not 'rock the boat'. Now I am becoming more and more assertive. For example, if my group of friends decides to do something that doesn't tempt me, I realised that I can just say no (though I do still feel guilty about it :-) ). I have the right to do that, and believe it or not, previously I didn't allow myself even that!
It is a good feeling to develop this assertiveness. So many times I notice myself , such as during a group conversation, trying to fit in by not being too frank about what I felt, out of fear of 'hurting' other people's feelings. This is of course nonsense, because people respect those who have opinions and are not afraid to be honest about them.
To quote Dr Phil (I don't really like the guy, but it IS his quote), 'you have to take control of your life'. And that is hard -at least for me!- because, as I have shown above, this neediness and approval-seeking is very insidious. They are infiltrated in all aspects of my life and my interactions, and they have been so for at least 15 years! I can remember vividly my teenage years, and how needy I was, so merely identifying the problem isn't going to cure me. Rather, it is the painstaking constant vigilance that will instill new heatlhy habits in my behavior. Basically I have now a long-term job, that of constantly identifying weak elements in my behavior and eliminating them. Examples are:
-Taking the time to let an external element, such as a proposed activity, or an opinion made by a person, sink in, sensing what my true feelings/opinions toward that element are, and finally giving an authentic response.
-The response could be just saying no. It is okay to say no. People won't be 'hurt' if I say it.
-I could also propose something else, something I WANT to do.
-If it is an opinion that I disagree with, then just freaking saying that I have a different point of vue on the subject IS OKAY.
-Sometimes I am in a group and the energy is high, whereas I would be in a calmer mood. The old me would try desperatly to fit in, to laugh at the jokes and to give the appearance of enjoying himself. The new me responds accordingly to his desires, and no more.
A way to summarize that would be that I am learning to be authentic, to be true to myself. To do that, I must dig deep. My psyche is like a complicated knot, and I need to systematically untie it piece by piece, so that I can have a clear view of myself. Another way of putting it is that in my brain, there is the true me, and there is the fake me. The latter is a fraud, built from external factors such as thru input from family/friends/society. This non-self is the cause of low self-esteem, because it gets its validation from external sources, hence the neediness and desperate desire to please. This is why I used to fuck up in my relationships: I used to turn into this wuss, into this AFC looking for maternal affection, because the fake me would be in control, and this is how it validated itself.
The true path to happiness is established by eliminating the fake self. But weeding it out is only half the work. the real self has to be nurtured as well. I think this takes more time than eliminating the fake self. Indeed, building self-confidence is a long process that starts from before adolescence. I think that in my case, since the fake me has evolved and has repressed the real me, I never took the time to truly thrive, to build myself a healthy and balanced personnality. Instead, I spent all those years trying to be somebody else and to please others. So the only solution (if my analysis is correct) is that I need to restart that authenticity-building process. By doing more and more what I like to do, be it the activities and hobbies, or the type of career, or the hangouts with friends I actually like, by taking an active role in developping those aspects of my life (according to MY desires), self-love and thus self-esteem and happiness should start to creep in.
Very psychological stuff. Like I said, I'm a mess on the inside. But at least now I'm starting to have a plan on how to un-mess myself.
To go back to Van Wilder and the world of pickup, here are two quotes from a post of his:
"I look back at my previous failures with women (e.g. my one-itis) and it does bring me a smile because I realize that what I was seeking with those women was love and acceptance and maternal nurturing qualities"
In my case, and because of my inner issues, every girl I met who I would be remotely interested in would turn into a one-itis. I know now what causes that, but it's still a bitch to fight.
"For me, affection and love with women is so powerful and always brings me joy, but as I remember previous girlfriends now, I am starting to realize that success with women does not equate to happiness."
I have also realised that. Picking up women is a big validation rush. However, it affects us only on the outside, but doesn't nurture us deeply and give us that inner peace and happiness. It's like eating sugar, it feels good, but is not really nourrishing as opposed to eating a complete meal. PUAs who are well-grounded on the inside became good because failure with women didn't affect them much (so early approach anxiety quickly went away). Also, since they are 'solid' on the inside, their confidence shows, and is attractive.
In my case, how do I deal with PU? On one hand, every rejection affects me a lot since I am 'weak' on the inside. On the other hand, even if I plow through the rejections, the actual success with women is only a temporay 'band-aid'. I will feel good for a bit because this external validation has temporarily covered the wounds, however after a little while the band-aid effect goes away, and the wounds start aching as much as before.
This is why some people become addicted to PU. It becomes like a drug, with a temporary feel-good effect that is quickly replaced by a gut-wrenching feeling after withdrawal, which pushes the PUA to sarge even more, and suffer the cycle endlessly.
My solution is not to give the game of seduction too large a chunk of my life. Becoming good with women is but A PART of my reconstructive process. There are many other elements in my life that I need to develop as well. If I am able to put my pickup life in that perspective, and with those limits, and work in parallel on the other aspects of my life, I might be able to avoid the whole manic-depressive cycle.
F.
posted by Fabz @ 11:48 AM
2 Comments:
At 7:01 PM,
Van Wilder said…
Hey Fabz, I re-read your post and think I may either copy the whole thing into my blog or write my own take on your inner game issues. Essentially, I have (or had) the exact same problems as you, and I'm systematically attempting to remove these problems. It's a bitch and it takes a while, but I am finding slow progress as I move. I find myself saying NO to women much more now (actually I sometimes do it just for the sake of it). I don't find myself laughing as much at every joke for approval, and I don't find myself saying things as much for approval either -- rather, when I'm saying something, I try to aim towards having a good time.
There are some books and videos you might want to consider to help fight your inner game issues. I finished DavidD's On Being a Man recently, and it was pretty good and included a segment from Dr. Paul, who was the central focus point for DavidD's Deep Inner Game series, which is very good in my opinion. Just realizing that you have to establish strong personal boundaries, stop suffering over things you can't control (past, future), and always strive for win-win scenarios rather than win-lose scenarios.
I'm also slowly reading two books on the subject, Feeling Good (book on cognitive behavioral therapy) and Robert Anthony's Total Self-Confidence (also cognitive therapy, but more religious and succinct). Both of these are supposed to help one weed out insecurities and be social.
It's a long road but I am dedicated to getting there. I'm working out five days per week, I'm eating well, I'm studying attraction, I'm doing Art of Attraction within two months, and I'm working on the inner game regularly. And of course I'm sarging when I get a chance. :P
Just think of all those people who have done so much better than us and who are even more messed up. Mystery alone is fucked in the head, but he's the best PUA in the world.
I have a dream: one year from now, I'm totally content, I have my harem, I'm a totally confident guy, the guy who walks into a room and people can _feel_ his energy, like JFK or Clinton (or my cousin). PU can get me there, and I'm not going to stop until I make it. Don't give up--we're on the same quest here.
At 12:27 PM,
Fabz said…
"I find myself saying NO to women much more now (actually I sometimes do it just for the sake of it). I don't find myself laughing as much at every joke for approval"
-It feels good doesn't it? Authentic responses make me feel good on the inside.
'There are some books and videos you might want to consider to help fight your inner game issues."
-Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely check them out.
"Don't give up--we're on the same quest here."
-Respect, man. And let the training continue!
F.
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