Shitty day....literally

Warning: this post in not about pickup, it is all about a hard and big lump of shit that got stuck in my toilet. So if this topic doesn't interest you...

Today is sunday, the sun is shining and the temperatures mild, which means it should be a great day to be alive and healthy in Montreal. Right? wrong.

I wake up, and spend 2 hrs glued on the Net. This is my escape mechanism when I don't want to face my present self. It often happens to me that i feel lethargic and lonely. During those phases, i cannot get any work done, it's like a depressive phase. The actual cause of this depressed state needs a post of its own, which I will post someday.

So anyway, the story today is that I took a large dump. Actually it wasn't the biggest chunk of shit ever to come out of me, but lately it seems that they all come out pretty wide, and I mean wide!. It's like they're all sliding sideways or something. When I'm shitting, it's slow and it hurts like hell. Luckily, so far, all of those colon-splitting dumps have happened outside my home toilet.....until today.

See, I take this dump, and a spherical lump of shit comes out, painfully, but not the worst ever, somewhere between the "shit I'm having a baby" dump and "OMFG, I'm having fucking triplets".
Afterwards, feeling some post-shitting high, I flush..................And the bowl fills up with water.

..........Shit.

After that very appropriate response, I try being environmentally unfriendly and start flushing every 10 mins, to no avail.

After trying unsuccessfully for a while, I go to a hardware store looking for some miracle solution. I felt somewhat uncomfortable telling the employees that my toilet was clogged up with a chunk of shit so hard and big that, when I eventually get rid of it, will probably break some machinery at the municipality shit-purifying plant.
Turns out there wasn't any miracle solution; and no, the sink plumbing unclogger fluid is NOT suited for toilets (bastards)... The only interesting part is learning that the tube in the toilet where the shit disappears is actually in the form of an S. This is case in point that engineers actually DO sometimes have a sense of humor when it comes to puns; and especially in my case, because my lump of shit is probably stuck somewhere in my toilet's S.

I finally return home with none other than the classical succion thingy that you use to suck or push something- i can't remember the thing's name, it's 'ventouse' in french.
-Update- I found it on the NET, it's called a flange plunger

That thingy is ancient and should disappear from the face of the Earth, because it sucks...in a bad way....in the sense that it is a bad instrument....you get my point. I have been trying for the past several hours to unclog that bitch without success, there is water splashed everywhere around the toilet, and I feel really, really, dirty.

It's night now, and here I am, having done absolutely nothing with my day, writing a post about my issues and shit. The depressed phase I was in this morning meant that it would have been hard for me to get up, get out of the house, and do something useful anyway -like going to a coffee shop and pretend to read scientific articles, while checking out the chicks. The advent of my plumbing problem made me even more lethargic (I didn't even have lunch, basically emptying a carton of milk and a Nutella jar).

Oh, and on msn my ex asks me if I am happy with my life, as if I NEEDED to be reminded of how bad I felt today, stuck at home, depressed, with specks of shit on my jeans. Apart from that I feel just great, just peachy. I'm smiling in bliss as my arms and my lower back ache from the unclogging effort.

What a lousy day.
F.