Out of the cave, going out again

Ola amigos.

After that little stretch of time I took to close down and recenter myself, I started feeling the urge to go out and meet women again.

I was curious as to whether recent insights about myself will make it easier for me to approach women. Previously, going out wasn't an activity I was enjoying, because I wasn't in my own frame : I would go out because one of my guy friends would want to, I'd appear enthusiastic on the outside, but would feel terrified on the inside.

I would go out because I was supposed to go out.

I would feel anxiety and guilt because I wasn't going out enough, because I wasn't having success, because I'd feel a very strong pressure to perform in front of my male friends. Also, I would be very sensitive to what I'd perceive as people watching me, judging me (i.e. social pressure).

Eventually, after stepping back and gaining perspective, I realised that all my mental frames were wrong:
Prior to the club, I'd feel anxiety, with no real desire to go out. I'd go out because other people wanted to, not because I CHOSE to. Big difference.
At the venue, I would feel very scared. I'd follow the guys I came with wherever they went.

I couldn't make my own decisions, be independent, and focus on myself.

Even worse, I would look for the first excuse to leave (have to catch a bus, whatever). And on the way back, I'd feel relief at having finished with the ordeal. Worst of all, I'd feel like shit and totally unhappy about myself.

But I did not KNOW I felt like that. What is probably a instinctive reflex in other people is something that I'm learning to grasp just know. And that reflex is : Ask yourself how you feel right this instant.

I was living through other people's eyes and frames for so long, that I had forbidden myself to look into myself and my desires, and to give priority to myself. I didn't even know one was supposed to feel good about oneself most of the time, and that feeling good should be my first priority.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize that something was very wrong. Yet again I demonstrate an incredible lack of ability to analyze myself.

Eventually, I understood what was wrong. I finally realised that I'm supposed to LIKE what I'm doing. Quite apart from a perfectly natural approach anxiety/fear of rejection, I should go out based on my DESIRE to meet women, and feel excited and energetic about it.

It's supposed to be fun, and everything I do is supposed to stem from a desire to make myself feel good.

It sounds so obvious now, but I only truly assimilated that concept a month or so ago. Unfortunately, there seems to be a great difference between intellectually understanding something, and actually assimilating and FEELING the concept. I knew all this stuff a long time ago, but didn't really understand them until now.

So even though I can now describe my inner game beliefs in three points, it took a long time of inner searching and probing to finally 'get it'.

Here are my current beliefs:

1) At all times I'm supposed to feel good about myself, at peace in my mind and relaxed in my body. That is my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY, and as such I have to put that concept above all others, and before any other person's feelings. This is how one's supposed to live most of the time, with moments of pain and insecurity being only temporary exceptions to that rule.

2) Feelings of anxiety and guilt are most often the result of me forgetting about my desires, and giving importance to outside sources, such as what people think of me, what people think I should do with my life, what I PERCEIVE people as thinking of me (especially weak on that last one). I see th solution now as detaching oneself from those external sources. I can now visualise (and feel) it when I recenter myself, and push away outside interference.

3) To obey the first rule, and feel good on the inside, I'm supposed to OWN my outside environment. After identifying my desires (I don't like it in here, I feel hot, I want to meet women and have sex, I want to travel, etc...), what is required in order that I feel good is to TAKE ACTION, and go after those things I want. This is what it's all about when we are told to create a strong frame, have one's own reality etc...

That last point is difficult to describe when one hasn't felt it. To those who never had this problem, reading this will seem silly. Those who are only at the intellectual stage of grasping it will nod their heads, maybe write affirmations (like I did) with mixed results. Anyone who is constantly questioning himself will eventually assimilate the idea, but each at his or her own rhythm.

(Now I sound like one of those self-help guru types :-) )

An example of the last point is the club environment. I, like so many guys out there, was/am scared of them, because it was associated with so many anxiety factors, such as:

Pressure to perform (in the eyes of friends and lair bros).
Fear of being rejected by the girls.
Fear of people judging me negatively, laughing and pointing at me. (I call this social pressure, and it's a big weakness of mine).

If you have truly assimilated the 3 points, then you'd go to a club out of a powerful personal urge to meet and flirt with women. When you become so focused on your desires and on pleasing yourself, there won't be a place anymore for 'outside sources' (i.e. what people think, or rather what you perceive other people as thinking of you).

When that mental shift happens, I've found that things become easier (writing a post soon about recent club outings). The second point helps a lot, because by identifying the external sources, you can now mentally detach from them, and emotionally feel like you can keep them at a distance. You can keep them at a distance because the first point now takes up all the space inside of you.

Now I get it when people say 'own the club, feel it like it's your home and your party'. I tried using this affirmation a long time ago, but now I GET IT ! I FEEL IT !

Before, I would feel crushed by the club, and by all the anxieties attached to it. I would really have no inner frame to talk of, and would try to stand out as little as possible because all of my inner self was attached to outside validations.

What a terrible time I've spent in clubs, and in most of my activities, pretending to be there out of my free will. I was living my life based on what I thought I was supposed to do, what other men I shadowed wanted to do, and put everyone's frames before mine. It's no wonder I felt like an empty shell (and still do at times. The process of healing is fucking slow) .

But I can honestly say I feel better these days. It's still too early to scream for a miracle, and it's not like a movie moment, where in one moment I became illuminated and cured. This has been an ongoing LONG process. But I can give some examples of how great it is to have realised that what I feel is my priority, and that taking care of how I feel is what should drive my actions and decisions.

One simple recent example is when I met a big group of guys. We were just hanging out, and a lot were alpha. I realised that a part of me always dreaded hanging out with them because they were so intimidating, so I'd feel a big urge to perform by being cool, and not doing anything that might make them judge me negatively. The last time we met however, things were different.

At first I was tense without realising it. Then I focused on myself and realised I was feeling some anxiety. I did what the author Osho said in the book 'Awareness'. I first listened to my body, and thus noticed that my shoulders were tense and that I was leaning forward. I relaxed my body. Then, I proceeded to calm my mind, by focusing on the now rather that being in the past or the future. Finally, I went deep and focused on my feelings. As a result, I felt a wave of inner calm flow from inside of me.

What a great feeling that was. I felt at peace with myself, and totally relaxed. It felt like a small high. I must've looked a bit silly, feeling slightly giddy, smiling and laughing silently. A good moment.

So yeah, things are definitely looking better, because I've started gaining some control over my inner states: Having first of all identified my priorities, coming to grips with them and ALLOWING myself to put my desires first; having realised anxiety comes from allowing external sources to take up space inside; and finally having understood that I can refocus myself (detaching myself from external validations) and that I can OWN my outside physical environment, as the way to obey my first priority.

It doesn't always work, but it's the right path.

I can feel it.

Cheers,
F.