Back from the cave

Hey guys, it's been a while since I posted.

I've been in my man cave for the last month. I felt I needed to step back from the whole pickup thing.

The reason was that I'd become stuck in a negative frame. Instead of feeling good about myself, about approaching and talking to women, I had developed anxiety due to the pressure to perform.

I felt guilty for not hitting on a girl I saw and liked.

I also felt pressure to "be cool" in front of my friends. Whenever I'd go out with a friend with the intent to pick up women, I would become paralysed by approach anxiety. It wasn't the healthy fear of approaching that everyone feels. It was much stronger than that, and very negative.

Moreover, I'm deeply sensitive to social pressure. It's the pressure of other people observing you and making judgements.

Eventually I realised that I just wasn't enjoying it, that I was forcing myself out of some sort of obligation. All the fun had been replaced by feelings of anxiety, fear, and general insatisfaction. It was mental masochism yet again, and it took me some time to realise that.

Needless to say I didn't have much success with the girls I talked to.

So I took some time out. I realised I had been going on a very wrong path mentally. It was a path full of negativity.

Once I realised that, I started slowing down, and looking inwards to get some perspective.

First of all, I forgot that all these things I do have one purpose: to please me. It is all about me, not about others. Yet I feel this pressure when I'm around people, this fear of them judging me in a negative way. Why is that?

I know the answer, it's related to my inner game issues. My insecurities have as a consequence that I seek validation from others. However, it is all MY perception of how people see me. So if I go and walk up to a girl, and it doesn't work out, then I feel as if they look at me in a negative way, and that's something difficult for me to shake off.

When a friend calls me and we make plans to go out, I start feeling fear, pressure, and anxiety. So all my smiles when I meet the friend, and my boasting and my exterior coolness, all my declarations of "yeah, let's go get some chicks, let's have some fun", are LIES.

Yep, it's all untrue.

It's bullshit.

It's all FAKE.

The truth? I don't really want to go out, because I'm TERRIFIED.

I'm afraid of people.

Once I'm at club/pub, I use the first excuse I can find to leave. I feel scared before and while talking to chicks, and I feel lie shit afterwards regardless of the outcome.

I always feel bad after a night out. There is this lingering unease that I carry with me. It's NOT supposed to be like that! Why did it take ma so long to figure that out?

The solution? 3 things:

-I need to relax and regain some perspective.

-I need to recenter myself around myself. Focus on ME. What do I want? What are my desires?

-I need to own my environment.

These three points are the results of the reflections of the past weeks.

I have been unhappy when I was going out, because I was going out with the wrong frame. I was going out for the wrong reasons. Because my friends ask me to go out, I feel the obligation to do so.
More fucked up is the fact that the weak me generates guilt, and uses this guilt to drive me to go out.

This is classical me psychology. With regards to going out and sarging, I've fallen into the same old trap of doing an activity, not because I want to, but because I feel I HAVE to, for some fucked up reason. That's what I mean by being in the wrong frame.

Basically, the thought processes happening in my brain are very negative, and perpetuate a cycle of guilt, anxiety and pressure.

That's why I needed some time out, to realise the trap I had thrown myself into.

I need to break the cycle, take a deep breath, feel good about myself, and obey my desires.

I need to reframe my thought processes, and get my desires and priorities straight.

My name is Fabz. I am a man.

I have desires, and these desires are my priority.

My priority is to make myself FEEL GOOD about myself, at all times.

At ALL TIMES, the single most important thing, and what I need to focus the most about, is how I FEEL.

At any time, I must ask myself: "How do I feel in this instant", and the answer should always be: "I feel good about myself internally, and externally I'm enjoying this activity".

If I don't feel good about myself , then SOMETHING IS WRONG. Since I am my most important priority, I need to take a mental step back and ask myself why do I feel uncomfortable.

It is UNACCEPTABLE that I do not feel comfortable. If I do, then I must fix the situation, and that is my priority.

If I feel internal anxiety, I identify it and defuse it. These anxieties are usually related to other people, and me worrying about other people. That "other" is UNIMPORTANT compared to myself, and by reminding myself of that, I can defuse the tension.

I must learn to dissociate myself from this "other". That is so hard for me, yet so crucial.

If I feel anxiety or discomfort because of something in my surroundings, then it's my obligation to fix it, to TAKE ACTION. This happens often because I become passive, lose initiative for fear of being judged, and thus do not give myself any sense of value or self-worth.

This happens to me SO often. That's the problem. It was such a part of my life to feel uncomfortable and anxious that I didn't even know I felt this way. It's like when there is a continuous buzzing sound. After a while we forget about the sound, and only notice it when it's turned off.

I need to constantly be aware of that inner sound. I must constantly be probing into that inner buzz and become aware of how exactly I feel.

That is the right path, and that mental exercise consists at any time of three steps.

a) First of all, RELAX. Take a deep breath. Then another.
Get some distance from everything around you.
Slow Down.......Slower......slower.
Get some perspective. Ask yourself: "What am I doing here, why am I doing it? And am I enjoying it?"

b) Repeat this sentence and FEEL IT: "I need to feel good about myself right this instant"
"Why am I not feeling good right now? What are the reasons?"

Identify the reason. There will probably be some anxiety, pressure or guilt/shame inside me. And those feelings are due to a person other than me that is affecting me. I am giving too much importance to that "other", and that is WRONG.

Detach yourself from this anxiety by recentering yourself. "It's all about me, NO ONE ELSE".
FEEL the "others" going away and disappearing from your consciousness. There is only me inside, and that is beautiful and right.

c) TAKE ACTION. OWN THE SITUATION. Take initiative to correct this situation. At any time, because I am a FREE MAN, I can take steps to change something that makes me uncomfortable, be it internal (negative state) or external (people I don't like, need to please, passive, uninterested in activity, etc...)

What I want is IMPORTANT!! It's SACRED.

Own the moment. Feel good about owning it, about yourself. Create this bubble where you are owning it, where your every desires are applied, and feel good about it. I have the RIGHT to feel good, and to change whatever I do not feel good about.

FEEL EXCITED ABOUT OWNING IT, about CONTROLLING and being ACTIVE.

LOVE EVERY MOMENT, and feel the energy coursing through your veins.

That is the way. Enjoy it. Enjoy yourself.

F.