Happy person in-training

The human mind has a great capacity to delude itself.

We get used to being unhappy.

We get used to being in pain.

We can live years without realizing that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way our life has turned out. It took me 24 years just to acknowledge to myself that ‘I'm not happy’.

I need to get used to being happy. My general state of being was one of anxiety, fear and insecurity; one of escape into a fantasy world where I'm perfect, and one of an inability to face reality.

I need time to become accustomed with the fact that I shouldn't depend on anyone, that I have to take action and that I'll make mistakes in the process.

Get used to being successful. People will envy you. Weak ones will fawn all over you and will seek your reassuring shadow, same as I was not so long ago. I hate it when people become weak like this around me, it makes me feel uneasy. I must stop seeing it as such, and basically not care.

When successful, people will notice you, and will try and shake you. Men will try to invade your frame, and women will test you to see if you are the real deal. And they will all cheer when you fall, except the few precious ones, the loved ones and the true friends.

I need to assimilate the concept of being attuned to my desires, to what I like to do, and to the fact that I have the RIGHT to act and change things if I'm unhappy. I'm allowed to impose my will on the physical world to get what I want.

There will be clashes with other personalities, and that is OK. I will be misunderstood and criticized. People will discourage me and make fun of me. They will attempt to impose their view of the world, and of what is right or wrong. I must get used to that fact, and become stronger so that I can be able to not allow any one's frame to change mine. In the same manner, I will naturally attempt to force my world-view onto others, and strong willed ones will remain unaffected.

Basically, I'm learning to take my place in the world, to exercise my will, that I CAN and SHOULD exercise my will, my perception of people's feelings be damned!

I have to internalize the concept that I was sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of others. For the longest time, I've perceived my happiness as inversely proportional to that of others, which has made me try to be as unremarkable and as externally ‘polished and formless as possible. Basically I had no character. I was described once as someone who 'smiles all the time'. Enough said.

I'm just learning to give myself value, and to dissociate my happiness with that of others. There should be a core of happiness, of identity in each one of us, that is inviolate and fully unreachable by anyone. No matter what people are around you, we should be solid on the inside.

I should finally get used to the fact that I will fail many times, that I'll be wrong and will have to review my ideas and thoughts and beliefs. In life, an adult man knows that shit will happen. The difference between a boy and a man is that the man has accepted that fact. He has accepted that he might get cancer, that he might be betrayed, or fail miserably. A boy will be scared of the nightmarish potential future, will cry for injustice and will run to a father/mother figure to hide in the hopes that things will go away, or that someone will take care of the problems. A man does not worry, for he knows that shit WILL, in fact, happen in his lifetime. It is not a matter of if, but of when. That's why the true strong man is not afraid at present, because he has assimilated that reality of the world.

A man live in the present time fully and completely, enjoying his life and actively seeking to achieve his desires.

And when shit strikes,

Well, he is a man. He will deal with it.

That's what men do. We know there will be pain and hard times, and we deal with them to the best of our capacity when they happen.

Alone, with no certainty of success, with no one to whom to run for cover and protection, nakedly exposed, a man will face his problems with a clear mind and with a clear flame of self-sustaining, self-sufficient life force burning fiercely inside him.

And when faced with insurmountable odds, when things look desperate, a strong mature man will throw everything he has, and scream a giant and rebellious FUCK YOU to the world. And if he has to go down, well then so be it.

That's it.

It's a long process, one of a difficulty I've underestimated, and one that provides its own share of pain. But that's the training necessary to be happy.

I’m thus a happy person in-training.

Welcome to the world.