The road is harsh

I am afraid.

I am scared and terrified.

Of what?
..............................

I have inner game issues. For the last 10 to 15 years I have been living in a dreamworld, one that my mind has created, and where I would run to whenever I was unhappy with the outside world.

I was living a passive life, and I didn't have enough willpower to make the changes that would suit me.

Hell, I wasn't even AWARE that I was living a passive life. It was only one year ago that I had what I call a "the sky is blue" type of revelation.

I am unhappy.

Oh, and I am 25 years old. Talk about being a late bloomer.

I seriously was surprised when I acknowledged to myself how unhappy I was :
"I am not happy. This is not what life is supposed to be like, I'm supposed to be enjoying it, and I'm not."

My unconscious mind has been hiding this truth from me all this time.

How did that fucker pull it off?

By making me create this fantasy world, where I am king and perfect and all-powerful. Man did I spend a lot of time there! Daydreaming was (and still is) my refuge, made for when I feel inecure, or worthless, a loser whose life is lame. It is so tempting to go there. It is so incredibly easy and comforting to just ignore the real world. I still do fall into the trap quite often.

Recently, at long last, I've finally waken up. I've started unraveling the dynamics of my behaviour and thought processes.

But all those wasted years, all those opportunities ignored.....

(moan)

During the past year, I've finally started to grow up, to ask myself the hard questions about who I am, who do I want to be, and what do I want to do. I've finally started to look forward, and plan ahead, not the fantasy future where I'm perfect, but rather a realistic one in which I can be authentic.

I'm not gonna go into the psychological details of why I've been as I have. The details are very personal, they would take a very long time to explain, and frankly would be boring to anyone but me.

Now how does that apply to pickup? How is that relevant?

I am terrified of rejection, of people pointing fingers at me and laughing, of someone (anyone) having a negative opinion of me. That's why I haven't been sarging a lot. Every sarge is hard. It's very hard for me to take that risk: Whether in the cold approach, and risk being told to fuck off or being laughed at; or when I need to go from attraction building to rapport; or any other stage of the game.

I'm just not used to exposing myself. I've been playing it safe for the last decade. I've let others decide important elements in my life, and I've allowed myseld to be lead, safe in the shadow of more dominant figures.

And I was miserable, and not even knowing it.

It is true that the worse kind of slavery is when the chains are not visible, when one is not even aware of being enslaved.

Low self-esteem and feeling insecure happen when we feel we are not in control of our lives, when we are in a passive state and can't get out of it, when we feel powerless.

I am fighting a very hard battle. I'm fighting habits and patterns that are so ingrained in my daily thought processes that I have difficulty identifying them, let alone removing them.

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, but the road is harsh.

I need to get "out there", in every conceivable way.
To get out of my head.
To get out and approach women, and suffer the inevitable setbacks of rejection.
To empower my life more and more, by taking control. Taking charge of the elements in my life, and learning to LOVE taking charge.

The road is harsh.

But I don't want any other road.

Walking that path FEELS real. It is fresh and unique. It makes me feel and experience so many faults and imperfections.

The road makes me feel real. And alive.

I have sensed on a few occasions the fresh air that one feels when being authentic, on the rare times when I've had a controlling grip on my life.

And now I'm addicted.

I'm still failing miserably very often: reverting by default to daydreaming, not approaching women, laughing too hard, trying too hard to be perfect, trying too hard to please people and not offend them.

But some times. Just some times.

I am real.

And I love it.

It is a very fortunate coincidence that I found out about the seduction community six months ago. It allowed me to identify an aspect of my life that, like so many other aspects, I was unhappy with.

Now I'm trying to gain control. To gain power.

And it's happening.

Slowly. Verrrryy sloooooowwwly.

The road is harsh, but the light is there.

Cheers,
F.